The most common things people say to someone with a mental illness are often the most damaging: “just relax,” “get over it,” “other people have it worse.” These phrases feel supportive to the person saying them, but they dismiss real suffering and can deepen shame, isolation, and reluctance to seek help. More than half of people with mental illness never receive treatment, and stigma from the people around them is one of the biggest reasons why.
Knowing which phrases to avoid, and why they hurt, is the first step toward being genuinely supportive instead of accidentally harmful.
Dismissive Phrases That Minimize the Experience
The most frequently repeated category of harmful comments are the ones that shrink someone’s experience down to a simple choice. These include:
- “Just get over it.” Mental illness is not a mood someone can switch off. This implies they’re choosing to stay unwell.
- “It’s not a big deal.” What feels manageable to you may be overwhelming for someone whose brain is processing threats, sadness, or intrusive thoughts on a loop. This phrase triggers shame and inadequacy.
- “Other people have it worse.” Comparing suffering doesn’t reduce it. This typically adds guilt on top of whatever someone is already feeling, because now they feel bad about feeling bad.
- “It’s all in your head.” Technically true, in the same way a migraine is “all in your head.” Mental illness involves real changes in brain chemistry and function. Saying this dismisses the legitimacy of someone’s experience and makes them feel more isolated.
- “You’re overthinking things.” For someone with an anxiety disorder, the inability to stop cycling through worries is the disorder. Pointing it out doesn’t give them a tool to stop. It just tells them you don’t understand what’s happening.
Chronic invalidation like this has measurable consequences. Research from the University of Rochester Medical Center links repeated emotional invalidation to shame, negative self-talk, rumination, and avoidance. People who were consistently invalidated in childhood are more likely to struggle with emotional regulation as adults. Even well-meaning comments can reinforce those patterns.
Why “Just Think Positive” Backfires
Toxic positivity is the habit of dismissing negative emotions and insisting everything is fine. It sounds like “look on the bright side,” “just be grateful,” or “stay positive.” These responses act like a bandage placed over an emotional wound: they cover it without healing anything underneath.
The problem is threefold. First, forcing a positive frame on genuine distress tells someone their real feelings are wrong, which increases shame. Second, it discourages people from being honest about how they’re doing, because they learn that honesty will be met with cheerful deflection. Third, and most significantly, toxic positivity contributes to mental health stigma. When people sense their pain won’t be taken seriously, they hesitate to seek professional support. The result is that treatable conditions go untreated.
Phrases like “calm down” and “just relax” fall into this category too. Telling an anxious person to calm down sends the message that their response is inappropriate or exaggerated. In many cases, it actually increases anxiety because the person now feels embarrassed on top of everything else.
Language That Reduces a Person to Their Diagnosis
There’s a meaningful difference between “she’s schizophrenic” and “she’s living with schizophrenia.” The first makes the illness the person’s identity. The second treats it as one part of a full life. The American Psychiatric Association and NAMI both recommend person-first language for this reason: a mental health condition is something someone has, not something they are.
This applies to casual conversation too. Saying “my OCD brother” or “she’s an addict” collapses a whole person into a diagnosis. “My brother, who lives with OCD” takes barely more effort and preserves their dignity. Similarly, words like “psycho,” “crazy,” “junkie,” and “insane” carry weight even when used casually, because they reinforce the idea that mental illness makes someone less than.
Slang That Borrows From Diagnoses
Many common expressions casually use psychiatric terms in ways that trivialize them. “I’m so OCD about my desk” equates a debilitating disorder with a preference for neatness. “This weather is so bipolar” turns a serious condition into a punchline about unpredictability. “I have such ADD right now” reduces attention disorders to a momentary distraction.
People living with these conditions hear this language constantly, and it chips away at how seriously their struggles are taken. Simple swaps work just as well: “I like things done a particular way,” “the weather keeps changing,” “I’m having trouble focusing.”
How to Talk About Suicide
Suicide is one of the most stigmatized topics in mental health, and language matters here more than almost anywhere else. The phrase “committed suicide” is outdated because “committed” implies a crime or sin. The preferred terms are “died by suicide” or “ended their own life.” For attempts, say “attempted suicide” rather than “successful” or “unsuccessful” suicide, which frame death as an achievement.
Equally important: don’t use suicide as hyperbole. Saying “I wanted to kill myself, that was so embarrassing” normalizes the language in a way that makes it harder for someone in actual crisis to be heard. And if you suspect someone is struggling, research shows that asking directly about suicidal thoughts reduces risk rather than increasing it. A straightforward “are you having thoughts of ending your life?” is more helpful than dancing around the subject.
Words That Frame People as Helpless
The American Psychiatric Association specifically advises against using “suffering” and “victim” when describing people with mental health conditions. These words strip away agency. Someone managing depression while holding down a job and raising kids isn’t a victim. They’re navigating something difficult.
This matters because the stories we tell about mental illness shape how people with mental illness see themselves. Language that frames them as passive, broken, or helpless reinforces a narrative that recovery isn’t possible. Language that acknowledges difficulty while preserving agency does the opposite.
What to Say Instead
The goal isn’t to have perfect scripts. It’s to normalize what someone is going through rather than minimizing, judging, or fixing it. NAMI recommends responses that validate without trying to solve, such as “it’s understandable to feel this way given everything going on” or simply “what you’re going through is really challenging.”
Some practical alternatives to the most common harmful phrases:
- Instead of “just get over it,” try “I can see this is really weighing on you. What would help right now?”
- Instead of “calm down,” try “I’m here with you. Take whatever time you need.”
- Instead of “other people have it worse,” try “your pain is valid, and you don’t need to compare it to anyone else’s.”
- Instead of “it’s all in your head,” try “I believe what you’re feeling is real, even if I don’t fully understand it.”
- Instead of “think positive,” try “it makes sense that you’re struggling right now.”
Sometimes the most supportive thing you can say is nothing at all. Sitting with someone in their discomfort, without rushing to fix or reframe it, communicates more than any phrase. The fact that you’re here looking up what not to say suggests you already care. The next step is replacing the instinct to minimize with the willingness to simply listen.