Tantrums at 20 months are one of the most common and developmentally normal behaviors your child will go through. At this age, your toddler’s brain is developing rapidly but the part responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation, the prefrontal cortex, is nowhere near mature enough to manage big feelings. Your child genuinely cannot stop a meltdown once it starts. Understanding that fact is the foundation for every strategy that actually works.
Why 20-Month-Olds Have So Many Tantrums
The prefrontal cortex, the brain region that controls impulse regulation and goal-directed behavior, undergoes massive growth in the first two years of life. Gray matter volume expands rapidly and the brain’s connectivity networks are still organizing themselves into patterns that resemble the adult state. By age two, cortical thickness starts approaching more mature values, but “approaching” is the key word. At 20 months, your toddler’s brain is still under construction. They can feel frustration, disappointment, and anger at full intensity, but they lack the wiring to pause, reason through it, or calm themselves down.
Language plays a big role too. Research on toddlers aged 12 to 38 months shows that children with fewer spoken words have more frequent and more dysregulated tantrums. The connection between vocabulary size and tantrum severity gets stronger as kids get older: a child who can’t yet say what they want or how they feel is nearly twice as likely to have severe tantrums compared to peers with typical language development. At 20 months, most toddlers have a limited vocabulary and are still months away from combining words into short phrases. That gap between what they feel and what they can express is a major tantrum driver.
The Most Common Triggers
Most tantrums at this age come from a short list of causes: fatigue, hunger, illness, frustration, and transitions. Knowing the triggers lets you prevent a good portion of meltdowns before they start.
- Hunger and fatigue: These are the most predictable triggers. Keeping naptimes and mealtimes consistent day to day makes a real difference. When you’re away from home or off schedule, carry simple snacks like dried fruit or crackers.
- Frustration: Your 20-month-old wants to do things they physically or cognitively can’t manage yet, like stacking blocks that keep falling or opening a container. They also want things they can’t have. Both produce the same explosive result.
- Transitions: Switching from one activity to another, especially leaving something fun, is a reliable trigger. A five-minute warning before any transition helps your child prepare for the change. You can say something simple like, “We’re going to leave the park soon. Two more times down the slide.”
- Overstimulation: Loud environments, too many errands stacked together, or being around a lot of unfamiliar people can overwhelm a toddler’s still-developing ability to process sensory input.
How to Prevent Tantrums Before They Start
Prevention works better than any in-the-moment technique. Build predictable routines into the day so your child knows what to expect. Visual cues help too: a picture of a coat and shoes near the front door, for example, signals that it’s time to go outside without requiring a verbal battle. Setting a timer before transitions, like announcing that playtime ends when the timer beeps, gives your toddler a concrete marker they can understand even without many words.
Offering choices is one of the simplest and most effective prevention tools. Let your child pick between two shirts, two snack options, or two toys. This gives them a sense of control, which reduces the frustration that fuels meltdowns. Keep the choices limited to two. More than that overwhelms a 20-month-old.
When you’re running errands or waiting somewhere, plan ahead. Bring a small bag of books or toys. Build short play breaks between stops rather than rushing through a long list. Narrate what’s coming next: “After we go to the store, we’ll stop at the park for a snack.” Predictability is your best tool.
What to Do During a Tantrum
Once a tantrum is underway, your main job is to stay calm and wait it out. The most effective approach is called active ignoring: turn your gaze away from the child, don’t speak to them or interact with them, and engage in a different behavior yourself. This isn’t about being cold or punitive. It’s about not reinforcing the tantrum with attention, which can unintentionally teach your child that meltdowns are a tool for getting what they want.
First, make sure your child is in a safe place where they can’t hurt themselves. Then let the tantrum run its course while you stay nearby and supervise. You can calmly narrate that you’re there: “You’re really upset right now. I’m going to be right here while you calm down.” Keep your voice low and steady. Your own emotional state matters. If you escalate, the tantrum will too.
The moment your child calms down, offer specific praise. Instead of a generic “good job,” say something like, “Thank you so much for sitting quietly.” This immediate positive feedback reinforces the behavior you want to see. Then you can redirect to a new activity or, if your child is ready, briefly talk about what happened.
When Tantrums Turn Aggressive
Hitting, kicking, biting, and throwing things are common during tantrums at this age, and they don’t mean your child has a behavior problem. But you do need to intervene when there’s a risk of harm to your child, to you, or to property. Gently move your toddler to a safe, boring space. Name the behavior simply: “I won’t let you hit. Hitting hurts.” Hold the boundary without lecturing. At 20 months, long explanations don’t register during a meltdown.
Formal time-outs (one minute per year of age, in a quiet corner) are generally designed for children starting around age two. At 20 months, your child may not yet understand the concept. A brief physical separation from the situation, where you move them to a safe spot and stay close, functions as a modified version that’s more appropriate for this age. The goal is safety first, teaching second.
Building Emotional Skills After the Storm
The real learning happens after your child has calmed down, not during the tantrum itself. Once they’re composed, validate what they felt: “You really wanted that toy. You were so frustrated when I said no.” This teaches your child that their feelings are real and acceptable, even when their behavior isn’t.
Start labeling emotions with simple words. Even at 20 months, toddlers can begin absorbing vocabulary for feelings. “Mad,” “sad,” and “scared” are good starting points. Some children love learning bigger feeling words like “frustrated” or “furious,” and using those words consistently gives them tools they’ll eventually use instead of screaming. You can also offer physical outlets for big feelings: stomping feet, ripping paper, or squeezing a ball of clay. These give your child an acceptable way to release intense energy.
Creating a small “cozy corner” in your home, a spot with a soft blanket, a favorite stuffed animal, and a couple of books, gives your toddler a designated place to go when they’re overwhelmed. Over time, with repeated modeling, they’ll start going there on their own. This doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a skill that develops over months with consistent practice.
Helping Your Child’s Language Catch Up
Because limited language is so closely tied to tantrum severity at this age, anything you do to support your child’s communication will also reduce meltdowns over time. Narrate your day out loud. Repeat words often. When your child points or grunts at something, supply the word: “You want the cup. Cup.” Respond enthusiastically when they attempt any word, even imperfectly. The faster they can express basic needs and feelings verbally, the less they’ll need to communicate through screaming.
If your child has very few words at 20 months, simple sign language or gestures for common needs (more, all done, help) can bridge the gap. These aren’t a replacement for spoken language. They’re a temporary pressure valve that gives your toddler a way to be understood while their verbal skills catch up.
Signs That Tantrums May Need Professional Attention
Most tantrums at 20 months are entirely normal. But certain patterns warrant a conversation with your pediatrician. Watch for tantrums that happen three or more times per week with extreme intensity, a persistently irritable or angry mood between tantrums (not just during them), outbursts that seem wildly out of proportion to the situation, and behavior that’s causing problems across multiple settings like home and daycare. If these patterns persist consistently for several months, a developmental or behavioral evaluation can rule out underlying issues and connect you with targeted support.
Self-injury during tantrums, like head-banging or biting themselves, is also worth mentioning to your pediatrician. Occasional head-banging is surprisingly common in toddlers and usually not dangerous, but persistent self-harm during meltdowns is something a professional should assess.